You're Still Here
by anna16
Summary: What is Real? What you see or what you feel?


You're Still Here  
  
Disclaimer: Not mine.never will be. They belong to J.J., ABC, Touchstone, and Bad Robot.  
  
Summary: What is real, what you see or what you feel? A little inspiration from Faith Hill and her song, "You're Still Here"  
  
Rating: PG - Post Phase One. A little spoilers from 'A Broken Heart'; Phase One, and Endgame.  
  
I thought I saw you today You were standing in the sun And you turned away And I knew it couldn't be But my heart believed  
  
I came here of all places today, because it was the first time I realized I would love again. As the wind blows through my hair, it is reminiscent of words that were spoken four years ago. The words that comforted my broken heart wash over me and I am reminded of your voice. The voice that could sooth my pain, that could make me shiver with anticipation, that could make me feel love without you ever having touched me. The waves crashing against the wooden pier begs a question. Wonder where my pager is? I laugh briefly at that memory. You could always make me laugh. The memory cascades through my mind bringing along with it the pain. There won't be any words this year, there won't be a hand to hold this time. It has been a year since you were taken from me. You wouldn't know it, if you looked at my apartment. You're still there. Your drawer still has your shirts and your boxers neatly folded. There is a suit of yours in the closet, and it still has the dry cleaners plastic on it. When you walk into my bathroom, your shaver is sitting beside mine, along with your toothbrush. I still pick up your aftershave right before bed every night and inhale that scent. Your scent. It has long worn off your pillow. I never washed the pillowcase. I never sleep on your side of the bed. Because you're still there.  
  
The seagull's scream wakes me from my daydream. My eyes are now open again, and I realize that I have been crying as the tears rolls down my cheeks. I quickly wipe them away and I see a man out of the corner of my eye. I turn my head and I swear I stop breathing. The sun is shining so bright and for an instant I think that you are standing there. I bring my hand to shade my eyes and you turn around. And then you are gone. I don't know how long I have been holding my breath, but it comes out in heart wrenching sobs. I grip onto the rail again, and try to steady myself. I have been doing this for a year now, and the pain has not lessened. I see you everywhere, and it is driving me insane. Because every time, I just know it is you. My heart believes but my mind keeps telling me that you are gone.  
  
I had a dream last night That you came to me on silver wings And I, I flew away with you On a painted sky.  
  
God, please help me, because I don't know what is real anymore. Is it the things that I can touch or is it what I feel? I see you in so many places. You are everywhere that we have ever been. I go to the observatory every week and I always buy ice cream. I sat on our bench and I swear you are sitting beside me. In the train station, you are always leaning against the seat directly behind me. I replay the conversation we had that night, the night I realized that my life would never, ever make more sense than when I was with you. You're still here, Vaughn, and it is killing me. And I don't care. Because you took the best part of me with you that day. Death can't be anymore painful than living here without you. Is it really living? I think it is more existing than living. I know that you would want me to go on, so I do. Maybe that is why I see visions of you. You are truly my guardian angel, keeping me anchored. You are always in the sun, which is appropriate. You were the light in my life, now there is only darkness. I have thought about leaving L.A., getting away from all of the memories, but I stay. People ask why? It is simple.you're still here.  
  
I have cried my tears for today. It is time to go home. I turn to leave and as I do, I know I see you standing there, and once again..my heart believes. I smile as I walk away. Will I ever stop seeing you, probably not, but that is just the way I like it. 


End file.
